Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Walking Towards The Bridge

So..yea..
I've done updated my resume.



the thing is, i dont feel 'sayang' anymore.
its not there.
Loyalty? still have.
But to left PROTON, it feels calm.

En Ajad still keep watch my attendance right now.
I hope I can keep it straight this coming Julai and months.
Not a minute late or else you get a warning letter.
8:01am?
Warning letter.

so, yea.
Apart from no career improvement,
a watchful eyes like back in school seems like a red light for me.
I've being in boarding school my entire life.
no more.

I ask en jeep to be my reference, his reply was a bit touching.
He asked me to stay and if kinda boring doing manufacturing job, he can chip me in the mobile apps project.
finally. someone who know my value.

The thing is like my previous post,
once i said that i want to change job, they do not show any kind of sad or regret.
they even said "penang got a lot of kilang maa~". what an encouragement!
ok. fine.
Its not like I want some kind of persuasion or anti-encouragement,
but they do not have any lost-feeling?
i've been here almost 5 years!

Hmm.
I've also planning to move out from seksyen 27.
the house is full of termites right now.
and the landlady keep delaying to finish it.
hmm.
I cant say much. Its her house, after all.


I think, this is new beginning for me.
at 27 years old.
to left all that hold dear for me?
I have to.
bawak diri? tawar hati? Yes.
Feeling under-appreciated? Definitely.

I will not know if a new place will make me the same way.
But I intend to have a lesson learnt from all of this.

I probably need to have serious time management.
Its time to learn more and practice more. ( Servers, networks, mobile apps)
Keep 2-3 goals in life in order to have goal-driven life. ( Hajj)
"Rest if must, but never stop."
To have a meaningful life.

to have a life review day by day, month by month, years passing by..
and I am the same spot with same branches, same bunch of leaves..
Nothing new growing.

Maybe if I voice out my opinion to En Ajad about what I feel of no career improvement and all,
I dont think any steps will be taken.
I once remember when azpa resigned.." saya tak boleh stop orang nak berenti..".
I do not know either azpa has been countered or not and what En Ajad said to him.
And with PROTON condition right now..i dont think he can change anything.
If anything need to be change, its me. Naa yaa.


Im not blaming anyone. Shift-blame.
Just to justify why I felt that way.
To clarify this big step of my life.

Maybe I have wronged.
 I came late.
I do not do my work properly.
I do not have own initiative to search for another tasks.

Im not happy here anymore.
this negative thing has been accumulate to a point I feel like I dont needed here.
Like trying to fix a broken clock.

This job, this almost 5 years where i spend most of my 24 hours,
has been a real personal to me.
maybe im upset to be treated this way.
disappointed.


Well, this is what i felt right now.
and it hasnt changed since last post or previous posts.

You cant fixed yourself by fixing someone else.

I just want to be released by all this negative emotion and frustration each time i deal with en Ajad.
i cannot avoid it anymore.
I deserve a calm and peaceful life.
no grudge. no frust. no fed up.

Right now, I just want to finish all pending tasks and have a calm exit.

I was never good at saying goodbye.
Usually I'm the one who stay behind and be the last person to left the place.
Looks like this time, its the other way around.






















Monday, June 20, 2016

Im over thinking

Its 15th Ramadhan.
I dont know what im feeling right now.
It feels..
Slow.
Quiet.
Static.
Soft.
Melancholic.
Sabishi..

Im at my home.
Still wearing sock.
I dunno why i still keep wearing it after back from work.
It feels warm, i guess.
Had my dinner.
Now sitting down on cold hard floor,
Leaning on soft sofa on my back.
Staring blankly in front.

Tears start to well up...
I close my eyes, frowning.
The rolling tears demand an answer...
which i barely know about it..

I just dont know why im feeling this way.
A heavy sigh..


I just got back from Penang this afternoon.
Playing with my two nephews..it was such a cherish and priceless memory.
They truly bundle of joy.

I took a half day today.
Punch in 1pm.
As i stroll back slowly step after step to the car after work,
A thought came.
A rather questioning-myself thought.

Would it be better just to have quiet slow life?
I was thinking of changing job.
Would i be happy with the new job?
Why wouldnt i not be happy with current one?
Was it because it out of my comfort zone?
Why i over-think about it?
What do i want in life, actually?

I do penned down my thoughts of not having any of career development as of now.
If i jumped, i would be something else.
A career improvement,perhaps.
But, will it makes me happy?
Im mulling over this back and forth.

I put up my resume at jobstreets and there are some calls ive received.


Hmm......


Each time a call came,
I said "No, im not thinking of changing job at the moment."
See what i did there...haih....
What is wrong with me~~~

..
......
. .......
     ....

...........


Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Penangan 5cm -Sebuah filem Indonesia

Salam.

Usai saja selesai nonton filem 5cm karya orang seberang.
hmm.
Tak dinafikan filem ini memberi satu sentuhan yang menyentuh satu titik di benak hati sehingga tergerak untuk menintanya di nota ruang maya.

It feels....rather. Young and carefree feeling.

Its about 5 close friends. 1 girl, 4 men.
They were really close since univasitas.
Then they graduate and still seeing each other after graduate.
a 10 years friendship, they said.
they were very close-knitted friends.
And one day, Genta proposed they dont see each other for 3 months.
And gather back at a specific place. Just wait for his SMS.
The time came and Genta lead them to Mahameru adventure.
A hiking mission actually.

Seperti cliche'nya sebuah filem indonesia, 
banyak kata2 puitis yang dititipkan sebagai skrip.Kata2 ibarat sajak.
Filem indonesia really good at this.
It makes the film feels a bit deep.
Make us really into the film.
Well, that happens to me, at least.

it has a lot of plot.
The unsaid love.
A breath-taking views of Semeru.

After finish watching it, I felt something.
maybe its because of love.
Yup. Maybe.
I never actually in love.
Crush, a lot.
Tango takes two.
And I usually tango alone.
A long crush for a friend? Yup. But it didnt went anywhere.
Girl-first approch, never works.
It makes men never interested in that girl.
Based on true experience. Experiencesss actually.


And maybe because there is another thing.
Pursuit your dreams.
Put it 5 cm from your head and really pursuit it.

" Sejak kamu punya mimipi, keinginan atau cita - cita, taro disini, di depan kening kamu, yang menempel, biarkan dia menggantung, mengambang 5 centimeter di depan kening kamu.
Jadi dia ga akan pernah lepas dari mata kamu, dan kamu bawa impian kamu itu setiap hari, kamu lihat setiap hari dan percaya bahwa kamu bisa."

being in your 27's.
hmm.
do you really had pursuit your dreams?
deep down, i must say.
I want to have someone to share this life with.
And that is not happening yet.
What really comforts is..
"maybe is not the time yet."
"Allah never fails His plan."

I see myself as alone.
Go to work alone.
I enjoy being alone.
No one to pleased but myself. No stress..~
Then, the downside is, it really felt..alone. Sometimes.
And I always see myself as same position as years goes by.
Does I have improvement years after years?
*sigh*

Next is, 
the life of university.
Damn.
Isnt it the time of your life?
Well, for me..it is.
The carefree, the joy! the Youth!
Learning new things~!
the scandals.. hehe.
OH! its good to feel young!
You dont have to think on to pay the bills at the end of the months.
no commitment!
You can change what you want to do everyday~!
I'm not saying that I want to live in the past but that moment was make me smile and reminiscence the good ol' days.
like an epiphany!
ohh... i missed it so much!
*the kaleidoscope of memories keep coming in*

Nowadays,
there is no single things that makes me want to jump start a new day.
Nothing to look forward for tomorrow.
Except.." if you dont go to work, no one gonna pay you."
"if you wake up late, another warning letter, and eventually get sacked, no matter how good you are or anything you have done to the company.You are NOT irreplaceable."
Working without passion. Working with lack of appreciation.
Yup.
That's the thing.
No passion and appreciation.
Even when I said I wanna change job, they immediately recommend a place.
Its like.."oh, she's leaving. Its ok. Nothings change. I'm not feeling anything about it."
and here I am, feeling a bit loyal since its been my first job and the company is starting to get up after a turbulent. I feel like I need to be apart of  it and help it to stand up again.
Seems like my loyalty doesnt count.
Rasa sayang nak tinggal.
hehe. seems like Im alone feels that way.
Did I mention, I often tango alone?
My weakness.
huhu

Yup.
Dats ol the 3 strikes after watching 5 cm.
It really hit me and make me want to write something.

 "Hari itu, kita berdiri diatas bumi, tapi dekat sekali dengan langit, dekat dengan Sang Pencipta. Sebuah persahabatan, impian, cita - cita, dan cinta tidak ada siapapun yang bisa membuktikan seberapa besar itu semua. 
Tapi seperti sebuah mimpi kita hanya harus mempercayainya."


5 centimeter, buat hati ingin berkata-kata.


















Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Resignation Letter

I wrote this today.
But, do not know the submission day will be.
But, today is today.
And this is how I feel today.

**********
Resignation Letter


Manufacturing IT has been a very dear and close family for me. I spend almost 60% of 24 hours per day with you guys for the past nearly 4 years rather than my own family which only on holidays. Letting go was the hardest thing to do. But I know this is the best for the team.So, this letter is a personal one.

Firstly,sorry for causing too many troubles along this 4 years. Sorry for each unplanned AL and late coming after many warnings. It was never my intention to let you down many times and to cause trouble or problem for others. I assume the impact was on to me alone and never to hurt anybody else. I do try very hard to avoid this. I guess my effort was not enough.

Secondly, sorry for never up to your expectation as you have mention that my work result is average but never to compare with En Jeefery. To think back, it is perfectly true. I cannot think any handover task I need to perform to resign. All of it was En Jeefery's old task. Anyone can do it. I always feel like even I'm absent or present at work, there is no concern and not needed. It is all the same. Even the users preferred En Jeefery or you to solve the issue rather than me. I completely understand that as how it feel being in user's shoes. I do hope you know that I have given my best in performing my tasks.I even had experience restarting bizactor service while driving to work. It is one of a kind experience one would have.

Late comer, poor planner and average work had enough to put you in most discomfort position to have such subordinate and inflicted many problems to you and the team. I realised that now. The team is better without me. As all mentions above, I wish to stop making you and team be in the red zone. Hence, I'll take full responsibility and the blame. With heavy heart, I voluntarily resigned from this position as Software Engineer in Manufacturing and Development, Group IT.

Thank you so much for tolerate and guided me for almost 4 years. You have been a kind-hearted leader and mentor. Thousand apologies again for each and every and each misbehave and mistakes.

Truly sorry,

Ainun




*************
I know no one is reading my blog, let alone anyone from my workplace. Thats why i dare to keep it here.

Im writing this with tears all over. Non stop. We in manufacturing IT is like a big family. 

I feel really teribble by decided to just work at TGM today which I actually based on Shah Alam.

Then I got a warning when asking permission to stay few days more since no activity to monitor at Shah Alam.

The warning was about my unplanned leave and MC which always on Monday after long weekend journey. Plan carefully.

Hmm.. is he thinking im taking advantages of him?? 

Hmm. Whatever it is, it really hit me. Im not angry. Its gulity. Am I taking advantages of him this far until he have to give me such warning?

I feel like im the thorn in his sore thumb.

Hmm. Enough of this. I need to stop.
Im start welling up.
It start from 7 up until now.. i just wont stop. But slowly. My eyes really feels like ikan buntal right now.

Hmm. Tomorrow is work day.
That will never be the happy place anymore.