Saturday, December 22, 2018

Turning 30 rant 22/12 on baby sis bday (21st)

its 4:32am now.
last night we just celebrated Bayah' bday at Burger Lava.

So, i was reading the last post.
Yup, still the same dealio.
Feeling belittled or ridicule getting bigger.
let me let off steam a bit here...
"cant they just answer the damn question without being sarcastic or ridicule or feeling annoy or belittled me? sorry for asking but f- it, if i don't ask , the job cannot be done and I'm not fully understand it.Or if there's a mistake, don't blame me..u the one who make me don't wanna ask u anything.
its not like i cant take a joke if it does not feel like a joke to me.
Cant there be any safe culture or environment to ask?? even its just a simple question???"

I cant even rational or relate what i've been thru the past 6 years at PROTON or even my entire life up until this point.
why does this feel so worst ?
These days I keep rewinds back the memories of having most encouraging and kind mentors.
Like back in sggs, maktab, U and at PROTON days.
The teachers, lecturers..Dayang..Mama Razi..En Jeep who never ridicule back or even feel annoy or even reply angrily if I asked questions or if i answered wrongly.

The consequences?
I become more quiet these days and only ask if truly related to what I need to do.
I becoming not a team player as I didn't even want to ask what other team members are doing.
I'm just gonna get angry / annoyed replies.
Even sometimes it does related to me, I just endure it and get the job done.
yup, until that point.Not even chit chatting or casual conversation.

It sadden me every single time to be in this position.
Especially coming from the person who I thought know me better.
You know.."we're buddies.we're know each other for so long.we should help each other out~"
I know that the responsibilities of being in a team especially in a startup. You got to give your 150%.
I'm all aware and up to that but if the culture is like this...hmm.
That spirit kind of deplete these days. I'm counting hours to go home.

my previous CIO words keep ringing these days.." U macam tingkatan 2 tapi duk buat soalan darjah 5."its because I've been handling the mundane activity of  maintaining the whole end-to-end system of 2 manufacturing plant for the past 5~6 years.
yea, i wanna try something else. Be that "tingkatan 2".
But if culture like this... hmm. ( again.)

And sometimes I wanna give ideas on certain task or project..coz I've been thru 6 years of development,testing and maintaining billions of data ( proton's data since 2000+) and f-it, hundreds of user's requirements but.. yea...ended nothing to say coz once before I've said it, it got ridicule or kind of don't wanna explain it further, just got cut it off as big no.
so. more next time for me.

That's why I'm kind of questioning.. does it not relevant at all the knowledge I gain in proton?
I'm also feeling I'm getting more dumber as no more brain stimulant for me.
Kind of thinking doing some physics or addmath just to keep my brains on hardcore level as used to.
I keep forgetting things..
Doing silly mistakes.
Out of focus.

and Im questioning too.. am I too annoying to you? to get such reply? Can I see more kindness?
I don't even know when the last time I laugh so hard or even be comfortable at the office.
It has become dreaded place with good food. ugh. My love for food never deplete.yup. I eat well. teehee.
I've been looking for different angle now to find my joy back at workplace coz not all ppl at the office like that.
It eats up 1/3 of my daily life.If minus sleep, 1/2 of my life. So, I cant be like this forever. hmm....

There this wall quote at my desk written " Be happy for this moment because this moment is YOUR LIFE."
not all, wall.. not all.

So, that's the rant for this morning. I just taking a break after going hundreds of excel sheets to generate insert statements from user's excel.
Been on it night and day, minus sleep.

In my mind, I still keep telling myself to keep the 150% spirit in task delivery.
as Ms Lisa said.."keep up the good work like what you've have done here." at my last day.
I do pride myself of my work at proton.
I reduce 10% dev cost, zero downtime and no delay on task.
Thanks to my awesome teammates aka mentors. Love y'all!
i'll be forever in debt and sculpted most of what I am today.
Users mostly rate me with good comments and reading the comments make my confident went up again.
thanks guys.
but our story in diff path now.
Miss you guys lately when the times get hard. Time like this.
didn't meant to compare just recalling the warm feeling you guys gave me............................

I've need to look for different angle now.
C'mon ainun! You can do this!

ok. sambung bukak excels.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Only time will tell.


so, its 1:04am , 10 Septermber 2018. 10 9 2018.
its the usual time I'm having a random thought to pen out.
All those worrying and self-thought usually come at this hour.

It has been a laid back tone kind of life  right now.
Nothing exciting or heart thumping moment so far.

I do have done a lot of activities to please myself.
such as binge watching movies listening to music more and recently got back to reading; which I have neglected for a while now.

I'm also recently enjoyed a merry go around for free, by myself, of course.
The icity ( my recent office ) is having a merdeka countdown concert and some of the amusement are free entry - the 2 Tier Carousel, Haunted House and Trick Museum. I went twice to the Haunted House and 3 rounds for the carousel. I did recorded the experiences in my ig stories. Just to remind me back since IG start to archive all stories.

Other that that, I'm also frequently came down to tanjung malim to meet a group of friends that we called ourselves - GangNubisKubis. We climbed KK together on last february on valentine day. haha. The usual was to stay at Che Bee guesthouse and movies and food binge. huhu. nothing in particular. Just having a get together at che bee's place and get comfortable. Sometime if  the weather forbid, we go for short hike to Bukit Asa and go food hunting to Hj Din mee kicap or having breakfast to delicious places around ulu bernam. 
Once, we did go picnic at a river. I didn't remember the name but it was fun to chill in the water.

It was really a de-stress activity to came down to tg.malim. Feels like I didnt lost a part of me that has been accustomed to Tgm when I left PROTON.

Then..there's Mak Teh play time. To play with Cik Yam and Mad just a satisfying activity.
what kids have that make us feels this way? huhu

I'm really grateful to be in this, at this moment. Alhamdullillah.

It's to good to be true if no bad part, isnt it? hehhe.
There are some.
They not usually happened but if it happens , it really get to me.
Im not a type of person who easily get angry at a person or hold a grudge. But if that person really crossed the line of my patience then, I'll forever get angry with them. Usually these people thinks they right to do it and do not change.
Well, these people, there are no talking to them.. to advise or to point out.. they will not change.
There are few of person like that in my life currently and I have to deal with them almost everyday.
My strategy is to avoid talking to them at any cost unless if its really necessary.Direly necessary.

I tend to take it as; its their strength in this cruel world and also their weakness, in a way.
Let them be. Only time will tell.
Did I make a right decision ?

As Im getting older, I always tell myself and aim to be a calmer person.
No more childish tantrum or having mood swing. More inner peace.
The bad part that happens, that come from the person's action, sometimes disturb my peace and I hated it when it happened. I get mad at myself.
I always fighting with myself on this.
 Im not talking about things that happened by accident or nature.if that happens, I usually accept it and move on.
Let give it a rest..shall we?

And about work, I still feels like an outsider. 
The Maslow's pyramid keep ringing sometimes if i think about this.
"The need of belongingness."
They have their own inside jokes and their own style of doing work that I cant fit in, yet.
Maybe it my mistake too not to try to fit in.
How to make an effort that doesn't show that you're trying too hard?
Well, usually i'll just keep quiet and just go with the flow.
and even I'm meeting, just accept the decision and having not lots to say.
My action really kind of distance myself and make this even worse.
There once we in a lunch and I sit far to end of table and no one was in front of me because we are in odd number.
I kept myself busy with folding the tissue into origami and singing quietly to myself just to chase away the awkward and hurt feeling of left out. I did try to join in the conversation but no one reply me. So, i just kept quiet after that until food arrived. 
There also lots in day-to-day work life.
I think hard either I should said my joke or not.I've tried it before, no one laugh or even respond. it was awkward.
Or even to open my mouth for daily conversation.
I just got a feeling that the reply maybe none or even worse, my words are regards as annoying and the reply hurts me back.
I can count how may words i said at the office. Per day. 

I keep hoping this will get better.
Maybe we need to get to know each other more.
I did play UNO for the 1st time with them. It was fun. Fun First time.

But then..this a also only time will tell.Let it be. I try to ignore it for most of the time and do my own stuff. 

Maybe this is why I really like to come down to tgm. sense of belongingness. The way we can communicate and understand each of us. I feel safe around them. No awkward moments.No need to think hard in just to have a conversation.

Now, about music.
I enjoy listen to many type of music. Classic, pop, rock, rnb, edm.
Recently , I really like IKON, a south korea group.
I watched their WIN and Mix and Match. Boy, they must really have strong mental. I mean, 2 survival program?
after that, they produced and choreographed their own music, well 90%. I stan talent.
Maybe that is why I keep myself update on them. fighting IKON!
Im also keep updating on Kpop music scene and not so much on western as much as i did before.

SNSD or Girl Generation unit Oh!GG has recently released a song - Lil Touch and Fermata.
Fermata is a musical term for hold or stop.
a new word for me.
a good one. Befitting my life condition; a pause.
lets give it a rest and let time will tell.

Title : Fermata (shimpyo)
artist : Oh!GG

City where your heart can rest
I know it doesn’t exist
Let go of expectations like that
But again, I
Put hope on the line
I feel like it might come true
What am I doing this for?
Rest one tempo, how about that, yeah

Turn your head
Sunshine you couldn’t see before
Take it into both of your eyes
I found the smile I had lost today

First rest of my heart
Although it’s not a perfect world
In relaxation, life changes
First attempt

That had been hidden by the world
Feel it now
Pattern of the same life
My different chapter
I fill it smiling
Starting now
I’ll go leisurely, slowly, yeah
Look around you
Only thing that’s changed is your heart
Wherever you go, it’s paradise
I found the smile I had lost

First rest of my heart
Although it’s not a perfect world
In relaxation, life changes
First attempt
First attempt for me

More than anything
I need to change
For the world to change
For the world to change
Small happiness spreads
Embroidering my heart
My path has changed
I found the smile I had lost

First rest of my heart
Although it’s not a perfect world
In relaxation, life changes
First attempt
It’s not anything
All I’ve done is take a breath
First rest for me
It’s not anything
It’s not anything
All I’ve done is take a breath
First rest for me
I run looking only ahead
First rest of my life
First attempt for me
I can see my true self
Past days, past days that have already passed
First rest of my life
Rest while you go, one step at a time
First rest of my life
It’s not anything

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Rant 2018-06-13

Tomorrow is the last day of Ramadhan.
How time flies soooo fast.

its already half of 2018.
Time passed so fast. This is what ive been feeling lately.

Is it bad to keep reminding yourself ? of the  time..
Keep looking back.

Once there was my friend, who was also one of my vendor, Chew.
He said.." thats your problem. You keep looking back. Go foward. Life must go on."
Maybe Im just afraid of missing out or missed something important happening in my life.

Im not really living in the moment if look at the day to day activities.
"so, make one."
Hmm. thats the problem.
I dont have one.

Im really comfortable with having simple life.
But yet again, why do I feel the way I feel right now?
" time flies so fast and what i have done with my life?".
To live a meaningful life.

"Human meant to struggle. to achieve more than its current state.its in their DNA."

Pen off for now.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Here I am on the other side.

So here i am writing out since last post on sept 2017.
Today is 23 Apr 2018. Almost 8 months since last post.

The question Ive been getting lately.."is it worth it?"
to leave PROTON.

Well, let me tell you what my routine be like.
Arrived office at  +- 10.30 am. If later, need to whatsapp or just casually informed.
But if lucky the boss is not in the office, need. haha *evil*

Im staying with my brother and his family now.
at sungai buloh. So the trip back and forth to work, is about 40 mins to 1 hour per journey.

So, I usually get back from the office around 6 or 7 pm and arrived home around 7~8 pm.
Just the time for maghrib.

The office is a studio-sized so, just nice to fit 8 people with nice big screen TV, a meeting table and work desks for each of us.
did I mention we have pantry too?
Yup. The smell of coffee brewing once you entered the office..~~~
But no fridge. its ok. we do not need it. Yet.

so, arriving home.. take a shower, praying maghrib isyak..and then play with the Maryam and Uqail if they haven't slept yet.

Then get back to my laptop after that.
Probably continue working on my project or..
watching movies or..
just surfing the net.

And if Ajim not around at the office, I like to stay up late at the office and with just me and the dead silent.I like to see the city lights at our balcony. nothing can beat that.
I.. like it. Being in that situation. I LIKE it.
seems like being alone is reaaally getting to me.some kind of addictive.
Then going back home, the road is less congested..a lot more clearer.
Rolling down the side window and feel the cold night breeze gushing as I'm driving.
usually it took 30 mins at this hour.

Its reallly different from what I have been doing in PROTON.
at PROTON, Im also like to stay up late at the office because at home,the internet strength is weak and really hard to troubleshoot. and always on standby with various task - apps, server maintenance, db maintenance, troubleshooting.. all sorts that make me just all over the place and always have a mindset, -"Im busy, tired and exhausted.".
And I really do being company by a lootttt of people. Im in the factory for godsake. haha

So, this new job, kind of tone it down a lil bit.
I'm doing solely development. No odd hour requests.
Kind of feeling empty.but , Im adjusting..
Sometime..i feel like im taking things for granted.
like coming "late" to work. even though there is not late definition since we a working flexible working-hour.
and do just what i need to do. No extra enhancements..

I got this project recently and I already completed the 1st phase but seems like the user so not use it.
and The boss really keep saying that this project is kind of guarantee our salary for this year.

Yeah. that' the different too. The 1st company meeting, the boss said," Everyone is the drive. NO passenger." meaning everyone need to strive hard to earn as much as we can for the company. and being me who already familiar by i still get my paycheck just doing the same thing every year.
no worry on the salary.

But , here is different. Because its a startup and still growing,
We need to earned as much as we can and its proportional to our salary.
No job, no salary. That kind of worries me sometimes.
But, i rather to take it as a challenge and strive hard. Offering as much as i can for this company to grow.

I always envy people who has life-goals and they strive hard to achieve it. I dont have the privilege.
no life goal. just go with feeling and the flow. Never to define what to achieve in phases of my life.
If i dont feel like doing it, i dont do it. I can plan.. yes. But for short term. like 2 months.. then recently it extended to a year. I plan out my budget to go travelling and the project ive been working on is on 3 months time line.

so that is.

To answer the question.. is it worth it?
right now is Labor day and im listening to Lee Hi's Breathe.

I keep telling myself before quit, worst to worst,
I dont have to think about what sadden me anymore.

And yes. Its like a big time bomb has stop ticking.For good.
When something is not in your control and you cant stop thinking about changing it, its time to change yourself or accept it.

I choose to change myself.

so, it was worth it.
The compare, the  grass here definitely not greener as before but its another different color.
a lot more work to do.
and my mind, so far.. no time bomb has risen yet.

BREATHE (hansum)
By Lee Hi
Lyric /Composer : Jong Hyun Shinee
Arranged : Philtre

Take a deep breath
Until both sides of your heart get numb
Until it hurts a little
Let out your breath even more
Until you feel
like there’s nothing left inside
It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying "it’s alright"
Are just words

Someone’s breath. That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you

It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words

Someone’s breath. That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you

Even if others think your sigh
Takes out energy and strength
I already know
That you had a day that’s hard enough
To let out even a small sigh
Now don’t think of anything else
Let out a deep sigh
Just let it out like that

Someone’s breath. That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you
You really did a good job.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

my 2nd breaking point.

Today is 27/9/2017.
Few days after 1st Muharam. A month of Hijrah.
A month where Muslim observe the hijrah event during Prophet Muhammad SAW and the bonds between Muhajirin and Ansar.
Typing this,
the song of Maal Hijrah ringing,
"Dari Kota Mekah ke Kota Madinah~
Atas keyakinan dan iman yang teguh, kaum Muhajirin dan Ansar bersatu
Rela berkorban
Harta dan nyawa
Demi menegakkan Islam tercinta~"

It really an educated song.
and full of Hijrah spirit.

It was never an easy decision.
Believe me.
I finally decided to end my career at PROTON Holdings.
The place where the young dream to work.
Its a National PRIDE.

The day I submit my letter was a day before Maal Hijrah.
I was so caught up in works and this notice writing and decision making that I did realized I was passing a great moment in Islam.
That passing evening I was with En Ajad discussing on why I came to this point - the breaking point.
I have a list of things that I have jotted down since after "the 2" incident.
Mostly on team management. 
Poor team management.

Right now, Im at Che Bee Guesthouse.
I will be at Tg Malim until next week and headed back at Shah Alam to finish of my last days.

this is my notice:

Please accept this as my formal notice of resignation from my position as Software Engineer of IT Application Management at PROTON Holding Berhad.

Although I’m required to work 2 months’ notice, I wish to leave after 1 month notice from my letter date instead as I am unable to work my full notice period. I apologies for the short notice and any inconvenience this may cause.

This was not an easy decision to make. The past 5 and a half years has been rewarding both personally and professionally. I’ve enjoyed working with a team that dedicated to deliver a quality product on time and strive to be better in developing system in the ever-changing technology.

I am most grateful for the opportunities for knowledge and growth that PROTON have provided me and take with me the valuable experiences I have gained during my tenure.

I sincerely wish particularly you and our team as well as the rest of the company the very best for the future. If I can be of any help to make the transition any easier, please don't hesitate to ask.

Thank you and best regards,


Siti Ainun Basyirah Binti Mohamad

Yup. It was never easy.
PROTON is already like family for me.
A real family.
But, it really hurts to stay here.
by the bosses.
"We have nothing to justify for you to stay. 
Kami suka ainun stay, dan tak halang kalau nak pergi."

At first it was not so much hurt.
As days goes by, it eating me inside.
Am I really that INVALUABLE to them?
after all those almost 6 years?
I felt like 40 years old woman coz' my days have been spent there than home.
Yup felt like being stabbed twice and twist it.

This what my Sifu said;
"Hmm sampai camtu sekali ke.. nak nangis saya dengar.. sedih le Nun macam tak appreciate as human je.."

and other..
"ainun, blah je lah! sampai teruk sekali mcm tu.."

those coming days, 
tears were really a good friend.
Being undervalue really do something to your morale.
But being receiving it twice? ; it make you into Depression Status : "Teruk."
Yup. I tested that yesterday, and that's the result.

* I paused, tears break*

Allah, do not me stay in this condition for long.....
Ya Allah if this for me,
this sadness is for me, dont let it ruins me..
I beg for your forgiveness and please replace it with something better...
I beg you ya Allah..
this sadness is . really hurts.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Walking Towards The Bridge

I've done updated my resume.

the thing is, i dont feel 'sayang' anymore.
its not there.
Loyalty? still have.
But to left PROTON, it feels calm.

En Ajad still keep watch my attendance right now.
I hope I can keep it straight this coming Julai and months.
Not a minute late or else you get a warning letter.
Warning letter.

so, yea.
Apart from no career improvement,
a watchful eyes like back in school seems like a red light for me.
I've being in boarding school my entire life.
no more.

I ask en jeep to be my reference, his reply was a bit touching.
He asked me to stay and if kinda boring doing manufacturing job, he can chip me in the mobile apps project.
finally. someone who know my value.

The thing is like my previous post,
once i said that i want to change job, they do not show any kind of sad or regret.
they even said "penang got a lot of kilang maa~". what an encouragement!
ok. fine.
Its not like I want some kind of persuasion or anti-encouragement,
but they do not have any lost-feeling?
i've been here almost 5 years!

I've also planning to move out from seksyen 27.
the house is full of termites right now.
and the landlady keep delaying to finish it.
I cant say much. Its her house, after all.

I think, this is new beginning for me.
at 27 years old.
to left all that hold dear for me?
I have to.
bawak diri? tawar hati? Yes.
Feeling under-appreciated? Definitely.

I will not know if a new place will make me the same way.
But I intend to have a lesson learnt from all of this.

I probably need to have serious time management.
Its time to learn more and practice more. ( Servers, networks, mobile apps)
Keep 2-3 goals in life in order to have goal-driven life. ( Hajj)
"Rest if must, but never stop."
To have a meaningful life.

to have a life review day by day, month by month, years passing by..
and I am the same spot with same branches, same bunch of leaves..
Nothing new growing.

Maybe if I voice out my opinion to En Ajad about what I feel of no career improvement and all,
I dont think any steps will be taken.
I once remember when azpa resigned.." saya tak boleh stop orang nak berenti..".
I do not know either azpa has been countered or not and what En Ajad said to him.
And with PROTON condition right now..i dont think he can change anything.
If anything need to be change, its me. Naa yaa.

Im not blaming anyone. Shift-blame.
Just to justify why I felt that way.
To clarify this big step of my life.

Maybe I have wronged.
 I came late.
I do not do my work properly.
I do not have own initiative to search for another tasks.

Im not happy here anymore.
this negative thing has been accumulate to a point I feel like I dont needed here.
Like trying to fix a broken clock.

This job, this almost 5 years where i spend most of my 24 hours,
has been a real personal to me.
maybe im upset to be treated this way.

Well, this is what i felt right now.
and it hasnt changed since last post or previous posts.

You cant fixed yourself by fixing someone else.

I just want to be released by all this negative emotion and frustration each time i deal with en Ajad.
i cannot avoid it anymore.
I deserve a calm and peaceful life.
no grudge. no frust. no fed up.

Right now, I just want to finish all pending tasks and have a calm exit.

I was never good at saying goodbye.
Usually I'm the one who stay behind and be the last person to left the place.
Looks like this time, its the other way around.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Im over thinking

Its 15th Ramadhan.
I dont know what im feeling right now.
It feels..

Im at my home.
Still wearing sock.
I dunno why i still keep wearing it after back from work.
It feels warm, i guess.
Had my dinner.
Now sitting down on cold hard floor,
Leaning on soft sofa on my back.
Staring blankly in front.

Tears start to well up...
I close my eyes, frowning.
The rolling tears demand an answer...
which i barely know about it..

I just dont know why im feeling this way.
A heavy sigh..

I just got back from Penang this afternoon.
Playing with my two was such a cherish and priceless memory.
They truly bundle of joy.

I took a half day today.
Punch in 1pm.
As i stroll back slowly step after step to the car after work,
A thought came.
A rather questioning-myself thought.

Would it be better just to have quiet slow life?
I was thinking of changing job.
Would i be happy with the new job?
Why wouldnt i not be happy with current one?
Was it because it out of my comfort zone?
Why i over-think about it?
What do i want in life, actually?

I do penned down my thoughts of not having any of career development as of now.
If i jumped, i would be something else.
A career improvement,perhaps.
But, will it makes me happy?
Im mulling over this back and forth.

I put up my resume at jobstreets and there are some calls ive received.


Each time a call came,
I said "No, im not thinking of changing job at the moment."
See what i did there...haih....
What is wrong with me~~~

. .......


Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Penangan 5cm -Sebuah filem Indonesia


Usai saja selesai nonton filem 5cm karya orang seberang.
Tak dinafikan filem ini memberi satu sentuhan yang menyentuh satu titik di benak hati sehingga tergerak untuk menintanya di nota ruang maya.

It feels....rather. Young and carefree feeling.

Its about 5 close friends. 1 girl, 4 men.
They were really close since univasitas.
Then they graduate and still seeing each other after graduate.
a 10 years friendship, they said.
they were very close-knitted friends.
And one day, Genta proposed they dont see each other for 3 months.
And gather back at a specific place. Just wait for his SMS.
The time came and Genta lead them to Mahameru adventure.
A hiking mission actually.

Seperti cliche'nya sebuah filem indonesia, 
banyak kata2 puitis yang dititipkan sebagai skrip.Kata2 ibarat sajak.
Filem indonesia really good at this.
It makes the film feels a bit deep.
Make us really into the film.
Well, that happens to me, at least.

it has a lot of plot.
The unsaid love.
A breath-taking views of Semeru.

After finish watching it, I felt something.
maybe its because of love.
Yup. Maybe.
I never actually in love.
Crush, a lot.
Tango takes two.
And I usually tango alone.
A long crush for a friend? Yup. But it didnt went anywhere.
Girl-first approch, never works.
It makes men never interested in that girl.
Based on true experience. Experiencesss actually.

And maybe because there is another thing.
Pursuit your dreams.
Put it 5 cm from your head and really pursuit it.

" Sejak kamu punya mimipi, keinginan atau cita - cita, taro disini, di depan kening kamu, yang menempel, biarkan dia menggantung, mengambang 5 centimeter di depan kening kamu.
Jadi dia ga akan pernah lepas dari mata kamu, dan kamu bawa impian kamu itu setiap hari, kamu lihat setiap hari dan percaya bahwa kamu bisa."

being in your 27's.
do you really had pursuit your dreams?
deep down, i must say.
I want to have someone to share this life with.
And that is not happening yet.
What really comforts is..
"maybe is not the time yet."
"Allah never fails His plan."

I see myself as alone.
Go to work alone.
I enjoy being alone.
No one to pleased but myself. No stress..~
Then, the downside is, it really felt..alone. Sometimes.
And I always see myself as same position as years goes by.
Does I have improvement years after years?

Next is, 
the life of university.
Isnt it the time of your life?
Well, for is.
The carefree, the joy! the Youth!
Learning new things~!
the scandals.. hehe.
OH! its good to feel young!
You dont have to think on to pay the bills at the end of the months.
no commitment!
You can change what you want to do everyday~!
I'm not saying that I want to live in the past but that moment was make me smile and reminiscence the good ol' days.
like an epiphany!
ohh... i missed it so much!
*the kaleidoscope of memories keep coming in*

there is no single things that makes me want to jump start a new day.
Nothing to look forward for tomorrow.
Except.." if you dont go to work, no one gonna pay you."
"if you wake up late, another warning letter, and eventually get sacked, no matter how good you are or anything you have done to the company.You are NOT irreplaceable."
Working without passion. Working with lack of appreciation.
That's the thing.
No passion and appreciation.
Even when I said I wanna change job, they immediately recommend a place.
Its like.."oh, she's leaving. Its ok. Nothings change. I'm not feeling anything about it."
and here I am, feeling a bit loyal since its been my first job and the company is starting to get up after a turbulent. I feel like I need to be apart of  it and help it to stand up again.
Seems like my loyalty doesnt count.
Rasa sayang nak tinggal.
hehe. seems like Im alone feels that way.
Did I mention, I often tango alone?
My weakness.

Dats ol the 3 strikes after watching 5 cm.
It really hit me and make me want to write something.

 "Hari itu, kita berdiri diatas bumi, tapi dekat sekali dengan langit, dekat dengan Sang Pencipta. Sebuah persahabatan, impian, cita - cita, dan cinta tidak ada siapapun yang bisa membuktikan seberapa besar itu semua. 
Tapi seperti sebuah mimpi kita hanya harus mempercayainya."

5 centimeter, buat hati ingin berkata-kata.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Resignation Letter

I wrote this today.
But, do not know the submission day will be.
But, today is today.
And this is how I feel today.

Resignation Letter

Manufacturing IT has been a very dear and close family for me. I spend almost 60% of 24 hours per day with you guys for the past nearly 4 years rather than my own family which only on holidays. Letting go was the hardest thing to do. But I know this is the best for the team.So, this letter is a personal one.

Firstly,sorry for causing too many troubles along this 4 years. Sorry for each unplanned AL and late coming after many warnings. It was never my intention to let you down many times and to cause trouble or problem for others. I assume the impact was on to me alone and never to hurt anybody else. I do try very hard to avoid this. I guess my effort was not enough.

Secondly, sorry for never up to your expectation as you have mention that my work result is average but never to compare with En Jeefery. To think back, it is perfectly true. I cannot think any handover task I need to perform to resign. All of it was En Jeefery's old task. Anyone can do it. I always feel like even I'm absent or present at work, there is no concern and not needed. It is all the same. Even the users preferred En Jeefery or you to solve the issue rather than me. I completely understand that as how it feel being in user's shoes. I do hope you know that I have given my best in performing my tasks.I even had experience restarting bizactor service while driving to work. It is one of a kind experience one would have.

Late comer, poor planner and average work had enough to put you in most discomfort position to have such subordinate and inflicted many problems to you and the team. I realised that now. The team is better without me. As all mentions above, I wish to stop making you and team be in the red zone. Hence, I'll take full responsibility and the blame. With heavy heart, I voluntarily resigned from this position as Software Engineer in Manufacturing and Development, Group IT.

Thank you so much for tolerate and guided me for almost 4 years. You have been a kind-hearted leader and mentor. Thousand apologies again for each and every and each misbehave and mistakes.

Truly sorry,


I know no one is reading my blog, let alone anyone from my workplace. Thats why i dare to keep it here.

Im writing this with tears all over. Non stop. We in manufacturing IT is like a big family. 

I feel really teribble by decided to just work at TGM today which I actually based on Shah Alam.

Then I got a warning when asking permission to stay few days more since no activity to monitor at Shah Alam.

The warning was about my unplanned leave and MC which always on Monday after long weekend journey. Plan carefully.

Hmm.. is he thinking im taking advantages of him?? 

Hmm. Whatever it is, it really hit me. Im not angry. Its gulity. Am I taking advantages of him this far until he have to give me such warning?

I feel like im the thorn in his sore thumb.

Hmm. Enough of this. I need to stop.
Im start welling up.
It start from 7 up until now.. i just wont stop. But slowly. My eyes really feels like ikan buntal right now.

Hmm. Tomorrow is work day.
That will never be the happy place anymore. 

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Zohor Rant 2015.12.15

Ever been in position where you already lying in your bed but still cannot shut down?
I always do.
The brain activities just wont stop. *sigh*

Thinking on your late friends..
Your mistakes..
Your ideas..

Things you realise now that you dislike..
Future plannings..

Everything just keep appearing.

You just think about one thing.
Then it linked to another and another.
Then you realized its already 3 am when you start feeling drowsy.

Just like right now.
I suppose to take a nap 1~2pm.
But my brain was thinking about a friend that i did her wrong.
Even thinking of sending her sorry card.
Then try to forget it by playing my nephew video. He just few days old.
I thought by seeing that video will calm me down and make me sleepy.
But other things kick in.
Since he in KB now,
I was reminisence back on KB's memories and a certain someone which I quite fancy.
Then try to shudder it by writing this blog.
I feel sleepy now.
But already 1:55pm.
5 mins left.
There goes my nap.
Oh well.