it's 30/10/2020

its covid 19 quarantine week.

when my brother asked me what do u want in life, especially in my career, working life?

The answer is always the same, I want to work at home. I do not want my life portion to be on the road, mostly.

being in the comfort of my home, space, and doing things in my own time.

So, I kinda get what I always wanted- being in quarantine, we have to stay at home. Work from home.

The workload is the same but do it at your home.

Turns out, it makes me more.....hmm...lazy?

I sleep late, youtube-ing - new vid music, cooking videos.

doing just a lil' bit of work then I go back to sleep.

Seemingly, I cant complete any work assigned to me.

I'm more doing things that please me.

It has been 2 weeks now.

I wake up, breakfast, play with the kids, take an afternoon nap then binge-watching.

We do have meetings twice a week. I'm really glad actually. it keeps me in check and urges me to finish my work.

But somehow, if I didn't finish, I got away. haha. (*I'm so sorry boss.)

And the work keep snowballed because I keep procrastinating.

--------------------------------------------

The second issue.

It's with my sister.

She just had divorced and then, they rujuk balik.

Fine.

But the thing is her husband does not want to face the family.

He keeps avoiding and my sis.just..kinda..supporting it by saying.."give him time..etc."

All I'm seeing is a red flag alert. He gonna do his USUAL traits - irresponsible. Not facing up to own mistakes.

Is it OK to marry someone but not seeing the family???

I'm mad. It infuriates me.

What kind of person is that? What infuriates me more is my own sis allowed it.

And it comes down to being mad at myself coz I'm trying to enforce my opinion on my sis.

Above all, it's her life. She can do whatever the f- she wants.

Even if it's ruining her. I want to give that freedom to her.

But somehow, I was mad at her and thrown some negative words in our conversations.

It didn't end up prettily.

Probably my unconscious mind was throwing all the warnings and make me say those things.

I'm at war with myself.

This is what happened when you care too much.

Your defense mechanism just kicks in and does what it's supposed to do.

And maybe I'm tired of being thrown at me the ruin version of her.

and then the healing process begin..when completed, she keeps doing the same thing that ruins her before.

But, that's what family is for? right? Being there for whatever state you are.

Being taken for granted? Definitely.

But it's our family..and we agreed to do it. Blood bounded.

We can argue and argue till our last breath, but does it solve the problem? does it make our bond stronger? Both at lost if this continues. No one wins.

All in all, I want to take this off my mind.

It's her life.

If she is a ruin - just come back home.

If not - life your life the way you wanted. It always your choice. 

"Sesungguhnya Allah tidak akan menugbah nasib sesuatu kaum kecuali kaum itu sendiri yang mengubah apa-apa yang ada pada diri mereka." 13:11

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's all for now.

Life is meant to struggle after all.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope I can get my head in the game back and do the tasks assigned to me, diligently.

Pen off.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rany 27-02-2020 my B-Day!

Asal birthday ja datang sini?
hahaha
tempat nk menulis untuk reflect after a whole year..

Seperti biasa, aku tahu xde orang yang baca so, aku carefreely sebut ja nama2 yang terlibat dalam hidupku. hahaha

have u heard of Naomi Scott- Say Nothing?
Even dah berumur 30-an, aku masih rasa seperti ..tak tua lagi. Masih banyak yang aku tak tahu dan kadang2 tak matang.
Common sense aku makin menipis.
Everything is possible now sebab..kita tak tahu kan?
even orang cakap dia naik tingkat 8 dalam masa 1 minit ja..I do believe. Any.ANY.thing is possible.

jadi, reflection untuk b-day kali ni?
30 never seen that easy.
Org yang 40 cakap you have a long way to go.
orang 20 an cakap macam kita di kemuncak hidup.
tapi aku rasa mcm nak settle down dah.
macam nak bersara..penat dengan hidup.

Aku sebenarnya seorang yang sangat bergantung kepada sekelilingnya untuk define makna hidup.
external motivation.
Bukan seorang yang boleh cheer diri sendiri.
Life events yang buat aku life.Kalau tinggalkan aku dengan hidup aku,
mungkin hanya berkurung di rumah sahaja.

aku pernah tulis dalam diari yang aku hanya nak hidup dengan rumah kecil di perkampungan yang kecil dan buat hal sendiri.
hidup seperti makcik2 yang dah 50-an, 60-an yang dah pencen.

Mungkin dh penat dengan hectic life selama 5 tahun di PROTON.
Kendian, aku boleh pulak join dengan startup an.
hahahahahahahah
Ya, aku ketika itu,
mencari makna baru.
nak tutup buku lama, bukak buku baru.
Jika ada masalah di tempat baru, masalah lama dh setel.
Thats life.
a.k.a ada bil nak kena bayaq.

setelah beberapa tahun di startup,
ya, sungguh lain.
namun, keinginan untuk bersara sangat membuak2.
I've had enough of this life.
There is no amt of peaceful in it.