Got to pen something here.

been in my head for a few days now.

I'm working on my OTSB work right now.

There are tonnes of due date.

But something keeps ringing in the back of my mind recently.

this is because of something that happened to me years ago.

We were visiting long lost relatives at Kula Selangor, i think.

From my father's side. My Late Father.

He has passed away 5 years ago. 

(* I think. Many years already. Before that, my parents have been divorced since I was 8 years old.)

He probably an uncle to me, a brother to my arwah father.

At his house, there were a sick grandma.

In Islam its good to visit the sicks.

Kind of a reminder and an obligation between brothers and sisters.

The grandma is quite cheerful. She can still talk. It just that she cant get up and bedridden.

She was talking about my late father. Then his youngest son.

How to treat a lady.

How jodoh will come. Its a rezeki that Allah has wriiten.

At that moment, I dont know why..

I became very sad.

Feeling tight in my chest.

I got teary.

I shut my lips tight.

As if some of the Grandma saying hit me at my deepest sadness.

Did I just mourn myself for not getting married?

After all these years,

Yes..jodoh is not for everyone.

Yes, jodoh is Allah's doing. 

in my mind, YES, let Him do His job.

But deep down..

who can deny the fitrah of a human?

to be someone. Even Adam A.S requested Hawa to accompany him.

I completely understand how this works.

Maybe that moment, I just left my unconscious mind to take over me.

Yes, it is saddening.

Whoever does not want a life companion?

Right?

We all can sit and discuss about it for a long time, but if it's not for me..then it's not for me yet.

I just have to hold it in and endure it.

Find comfort in friends and family even though it is not the same. but it will do.

Somehow, I got comforted by grandma's word.

I didn't exactly remember what she said but I left the house feeling comforted.

I get asked many time from friends and family on this.

i just brush it off jokingly like..."Kawan baru pun xdak..apatah lagi kekasih baru.lol"

Ntah la. Sapa tanak an.

Im open. if any one to get friendly with me. Yeah, why not..lets be friends first then we see how it goes.

ok.

Get that off my chest.

Pen off.

for now.